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Living a mom lie

by Alana Kayfetz

I’ve got a secret. 

I cannot wait for this year to end. Anyone else completely done with 2018?

Maybe it’s just the holiday burnout talking.  I once thought that the holidays were engineered to be full of “joy” and “happiness” and “fa-la-la-la” because otherwise, people would just seasonally depress without ever returning from the darkness. I have to ask myself, like Carrie Bradshaw during the prime of Sex and the City- Are the holidays just one big fat lie?

Maybe it is just too much family time- it can get pretty intense with a lot of adults and children under one roof. Everyone has their own priorities and agenda. The silver lining for me at least has been watching my toddler and newborn grow leaps and bounds. I am especially fond of the bond my parents (their grandparents) are making with my kids. I could cry with happiness as I witness the intergenerational play. In the same breath, I could weep myself to sleep with the melancholy of witnessing my parents age, right in front of my eyes. More grey hair, slower moving, more forgetful. Being sandwiched between my children and parents for this extended period of time is a test of my patiences and a messy cocktail of emotions.

Have you had a similar experience?

Maybe it’s just the food- who else is eating and drinking too much right now? I think I have been sober for exactly 3 days in the last 2 weeks. I have eaten more carbs and shit and drank more booze than I can recall in my recent memory ( and I was pregnant 11 weeks ago). I was so committed to my healthy lifestyle pre “family vacation”; but with my horrible arrival into this holiday, which started with a large pizza that I ate to myself, my “one shitty cheat day” turned into a two week bender of overindulgence, 12 pounds gained (this is a guesstimate- I ain’t going near a scale)…. Not that I care (this is a lie). 

Or just maybe it’s being a mom. I know these are meant to be the “best years of our life”; that I am meant to cherish this time when my toddler says “mommy, uppy” a million times a day and my newborn needs my boobs constantly.   But I am so damn tired.  

I read an article recently called “To the 30-something moms” and it struck a deep chord with me – is it time to come to terms that this decade is just not for me?  Perhaps it is time to put my life on a shelf (like the elf) and wait until I am in my 40s to be the best version of myself – I will LIVE when I am 40! This, for the short term, helps me cope …  But I am a momsTO mom- I can’t shelf myself for a fucking decade.

So I beg a different question: Is mom life just living a life of lies?

Maybe it is just that; it ain’t the holidays at all. We are living one big juicy lie- we lie to ourselves and to others and to Instagram. Because people do not want to hear it- They do not want to hear that life is often tough and rough and sore and hard and sad and bad. People want ugly Christmas sweater parties and tree selfies and matching PJs and cinnamon rolls and jingle all the way to 2019.

I hope for all of us,  in the coming year, we will just be a little more honest and kinder to ourselves and the world.

Let’s embrace the here and now and raise a glass of champagne this new years eve at 7 pm to real resolutions – we are momsTO moms – A toast to us:

–  to the decision to care less about things;
– to the bodies we do not have;
– to the mommies we are and the mommies we are not;
– to changing the conversation for the betterment of all moms;
– to finding our tribe- our momsTO tribe.

Cheers bitches- 2019 will be the most average year yet!

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